The Singles File: Dogs are men

[DoozyDog]

SEATTLE POST-INTELLIGENCER
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/lifest...singles13.html

The Singles File: Dogs are men
Most single women seem to be finding the perfect man in their pooches

Last updated September 12, 2007 12:15 p.m. PT

By DIANE MAPES
SPECIAL TO THE P-I

I was talking to a girlfriend on the phone the other day when the love of her life sauntered into the room.

"Hey, you," she cooed. "How's my boy? How's my big handsome boy?"


David Badders / P-I
I pulled the phone away from my ear as she and her "big handsome boy" began furiously making out, huge wet slurping kisses punctuated by her giggles and his low growls of animal pleasure.

"Come on!" I yelled after a few minutes. "I'm talking here."

"Sorry," my friend said, but I could tell we'd reached the end of any kind of intelligent conversation. I could picture her on the other end of the line, staring moony-eyed at her special guy -- his tousled brown hair, his deep golden eyes, his four hairy legs.

That's right. Like many single women these days, my friend Michelle is madly in love with her dog.

Not that there's anything wrong with loving your pets (or companions or special furry friends or whatever you prefer to call the animules in your life). I still get a little moony whenever I think of Toby, the stout-hearted Samoyed we had when I was growing up. Not only was Toby loyal and true (that dog carried around more secrets than my diary), he always had a big smile waiting for me every time I trudged home from a hard day of square ball and social studies.

But the relationship between Michelle and her Buddy -- heck, between a lot of single women and their dogs -- seemed to transcend the normal pet-owner boundaries.

Forget about men being dogs. These days, dogs have become men.

But don't take my word for it, just read the news. Leona Helmsley, single after the death of her husband in 1997, left $12 million to the one individual in her life who truly understood and appreciated her -- a snap-happy Maltese by the name of Trouble. (By comparison, the chauffeur got $100,000 and two of her grandkids got zilch).

Or go down to the local bookstore, where you'll find an ever-growing pile of books like "Why Dogs Are Better Than Men," "Woman's Best Friend: Women Writers on the Dogs in Their Lives," and "Why I'd Rather Date My Dog."

"Dogs never become bored with you," writes "Date My Dog" author Nancy Furstinger, who owns three rescued dogs, Jolly, Lacy Whirligig and Splash Kisser (I guess there's no rescuing them from those names). "A dog entering his middle years won't abandon you for a younger, trophy mistress."

But loyalty is just the tip of the chew toy when it comes to the appeal of the four-legged boyfriend. There's also the whole companionshipwithout-complaint thing.

Look around and you'll see women exercising with their dogs, shopping with their dogs, dining with them, even dancing with them. These happy couples are going to cocktail parties together, hanging out at fashion shows and Frisbee competitions. According to the Seattle Humane Society Web site, they're even "deepening their bond" with doggie yoga -- otherwise known as doga.

Need a date for the company picnic or the family reunion? Chances are the guy you've been seeing for three weeks (or three years) will start whining the minute he hears the words green bean casserole. But your dog will gleefully head off to play trust-building exercises with your socially challenged co-workers or sit through hours of conspiracy theory with your dysfunctional relatives without snarling or snapping at you once.

Shameless suck-ups that they are, dogs are willing to do all kinds of things men find completely aggravating. You can dress them up in fabulous new outfits (hoodies! puffy vests! tutus!), you can put all kinds of product in their hair (hair gel, bows, tiaras). You can snuggle with them on the couch for hours on end, and should the need arise, you can -- "Bad dog! Bad, bad dog!" -- castrate them, verbally and otherwise.

Truth is, dogs have your back. Gain 5 pounds -- or 50 -- and Bandit won't say a word. Call Buster's mom a bitch and he'll just grin. Forget to shave your legs and Bijou will love you all the more.

With all that patience, companionship and unconditional love, who can blame women for falling for these scruffy soul mates? But as Janeane Garofalo once said in "The Truth About Cats & Dogs," there's loving your pets and then there's loooooving your pets.

"Some women are really into their dogs," said Elise Vincentini, owner of the Downtown Dog Lounge, when I told her about my friend Michelle. "I see a lot of kissing and a lot of hugging, primarily between single women and their dogs. And some of them are like, 'My dog sleeps on my bed and if a guy doesn't like that, he doesn't spend the night.' "

Talk about displacement. How did all this heavy petting get started?

"I got my first dog when I was going through a breakup," Elise told me. "I was so devastated I thought, 'Fine, I'll just get a dog.' And as it turned out, I ended up much happier. I think that's what happens with a lot of women."

I guess it's the same old story, when you think about it. Girl meets boy, girl falls in love with boy, girl gets dumped by boy, then boy's so-called best friend swoops in for the rebound.

Only in this case, the rebound relationship goes on for years and years and, outside of the occasional leg humping or mongrel make-out session, there's no sex. Instead, it's all about long walks on the beach, snuggling together in front of the fire, doing (then doo-dooing) The New York Times crossword puzzle.

If I didn't know better, I'd almost think dogs had been taking notes all these years, maybe even swapping tips on good and bad boyfriend behavior during their weekly poker games.

"Make her feel safe," I can hear them muttering to each other. "Laugh at all her jokes, even the corny ones. Sure, you'd rather be outside chasing squirrels than inside looking at window treatments online, but you've got to think about the bigger picture. Hot dogs! T-bone steak! Belly rubs! The bed!"

But even though guys may start to feel as if their best friend is out to get them (along with their girl and that really comfortable spot on the couch), I don't think they need to worry about being kicked to the curb quite yet. I just got a call from Michelle. Not only has her dog given her his complete love and devotion, he's given her fleas.

[Ritz459]

I guess it's the same old story, when you think about it. Girl meets boy, girl falls in love with boy, girl gets dumped by boy, then boy's so-called best friend swoops in for the rebound.

LOL

[briarlow]

Well I have my two handsome guys and Anton even nibbles my ears!!!!

No wonder I'm single!

[Ritz459]

Originally Posted by briarlow

Well I have my two handsome guys and Anton even nibbles my ears!!!!

No wonder I'm single!

As an afterthought, when I was reading the article, I thought to myself...."Is it bad that I call Blackie my 'Handsome Man'?"

I tell you, any guy is going to be compared to him. Protective, loyal, sweet, nice looking, intelligent, trainable (lol), great with kids....what's not to love?