The funniest story I ever read

[TribalRats]

I never dreamed that slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a
residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous!

Little did I suspect.

I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect
lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown
furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately
in front of me.

It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road
when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but
there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate
to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a
squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for
the impact.

Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care
of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was
standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with
steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and
at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty
sure the scream was squirrel for, "Banzai!" or maybe, "Die you
gravy-sucking heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of
spectacular...

He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely
in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better,
I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the
attack.

Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of
activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding
gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry
little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down
a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a
squirrel. And losing...

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally
managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil
rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right
curb as I recoiled from the throw.

That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.
It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of
the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could
have headed home.

No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel.
This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel.

This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and,
with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump
and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his
rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also
managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not
improved. Not improved at all.

His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was
startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the
throw,
only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my
jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand
and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a
Valkyrie
can only have one result.

TORQUE.

This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at
it. The engine roared and the front heel left the pavement.

The squirrel screamed in anger.

The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy.

I screamed in... well... I just plain screamed.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather
glove and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet
residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on
his back.

The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back
on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.

This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really
did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car.
Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my
brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back
brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big
cruiser.

About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient
attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant
NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got
INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.

As the face plate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am
quite sure my screaming changed intensity.

It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon
maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so
her front end started to drop.

Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove,
roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy
squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet.
By
now, the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally I got the upper hand... I managed to grab his tail again,
pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I
could.

This time it worked ... sort of.

Spectacularly sort of ..so to speak.

Picture a new scene.

You are a cop.

You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and
parked with your windows down to do some paperwork.

Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one
leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming
bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel
grenade directly into your police car.

I heard screams.

They weren't mine...

I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the
front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded
to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross
street.

I would have returned to 'fess up' (and to get my glove back). I
really would have.

Really...

Except for two things.

First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned
about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides
of
the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side
was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly
moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat
was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.

So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the
professionals handle it" anyway.

That was one thing.

The other?

Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and
upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the
squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me.

That is one dangerous squirrel.

And now he has a patrol car.

A somewhat shredded patrol car... but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn signal, made a gentle right
turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I
decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a
whole lot of Band-Aids.

[mrsgrubby]

Oh my gosh, this is soooo funny.

Especially funny to me because as a child my younger sister and I were riding bikes one time and a squirrel ran out in front of us, Melissa, my sister, screamed and turned her bike sideways, it of course tipped over on top of her and the squirrel got caught between her knees.

She was screaming, I was screaming, and the poor squirrel was stuck between her knees.

I started yelling, "LIFT YOU LEG" and she was screaming "I CAN"T IT WILL BITE ME". Anyway this went on for what seems like a few minutes until she did indeed lift her leg and the squirrel ran off.

We still laugh like crazy about this and it was like 25 years ago!!!

[bigdoglover]

It is a rare occassion that I laugh out loud....this is one of them!! Mostly because my hubby and I are avid Harley riders...so the visual was perfectly hysterical!! Thanx for sharing!!

[Carrie]

[Crossfire Bulldogs]

ROFL!!!!! I'm crying here! Hahahahaha!!!!!

[zookeeper]

Oh! My tummy hurts! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time!

[Tiffany0204]

lol too funny!

[mulroony]

That is funny. Never doubt Squirrels, our campus is so packed with them it is crazy, but they never get more then a few feet within anyone. Just the other day I was walking home and there was a squirrel infront of me so I kept walking thinking it would move, but instead it just stared at me and came closer until it was within a foot. At this I quickly jumped to the side to get away from it. People must have thought I was nuts, but this squirrel clearly had some guts and I was not going to screw with it.

[Sweetpea]

Great story. I had to share it with a few of my friends. It reminds me of the squirrel from Christmas vaction.

[TribalRats]

I am so glad everyone enjoyed it....I laughed my tush off when I read it!!

[Shadowkins]

Really cute story! Just goes to show it's not the size that makes the difference. Talk about having a bad squirrel day

[Raised By Wolves]

Originally Posted by Shadowkins

Really cute story! Just goes to show it's not the size that makes the difference. Talk about having a bad squirrel day

DITTO! And the story probably has more to it...probably concerning a very unpleasant series of rabies shots!

Thanks sooo much, that was soooo funny!

[linnie]

Trinity when I got that story in an email it took me hours to be able to settle down enough to read it to hubby.

[MazieDog]

Hehehe.. Reminds me of what I did last year... I went into the video store and there was a ferret running loose in the store and it sprayed everywhere and they were frantically trying to catch it. It scurried past me a couple times and I watched where it went... It made it's way up to the countertop and that's where I snuck up on it and made a huge mistake.... I grabbed the little runt and he turned around and bit me.... HARD! My first reaction was to squeeze harder and hope he'd stop biting... Nope, didn't work. The guy that was there found a small box, big enough to put him in, so I lowered my hand into the box and let go. I quickly took my hand out of the box, we closed it, poked a couple air holes in it, taped the box shut, and called the humane society who came out and got him. The little bugger bit my index finger on my right hand next to the fingernail. The video place gave me a bandaid and some anti-bacterial cream for it and asked if I was going to sue them. I told them, "Hell no, I was dumb enough to grab it... I deserved to be bit." They insisted on giving me a free movie rental for my "heroic acts of stupidity" as we decided to call it... Later on that day, I noticed my finger was swollen, so I had my aunt, who is also my doctor (that's a very handy thing to have ) take a look at it. She told me to keep an eye on it and if the swelling wasn't gone by morning, to go have it checked out at the hospital. Next morning, it was still swollen, but not as bad, but I went and had a shot just in case. Hmm... Looking at my finger now, I can still see scars from it... hehe