Script Writing Help

[oc_spirit]

Alright so yesterday since I had no school I fell into a trap of severe boredom (semester's over and done all my exams so have nothing to worry about until Thursday when second semester starts). I had recieved an e-mail from my buddy saying that the KW Little Theatre was looking for submissions for their popcorn play festival. So having nothing better to do I decided to whip up a script. I'm gonna be writing another one sometime soon then choose my favourite to submit. Anyway I was wondering if someone could take the time to read my frst one and offer some constructive criticism. It's short (popcorn plays are only about 10mins). I will warn you though, this one isn't a "happy play" read at your own discretion.

Broken Mirror

Lights up on Maddi staring at herself in a broken mirror in her bedroom, some pieces from the mirror are missing. After a while she takes her finger and starts tracing one of the cracks. Slits finger and winces from pain. As if in a trance she watches the blood trickle down her finger for a moment. She looks back at the broken mirror

Maddi: “Broken, just like me”

Maddi picks at a piece of the mirror until it falls into her hands. She holds it up in front of her then clasps her hands around it and goes to sit on her bed. She opens her hands to reveal the piece of glass. Holding one hand open with the glass resting on the palm of her hand, she takes the free hand and slowly slides her sleeve up revealing many scars and some freshly scabbed wounds. Small smile tugs at the corners of her mouth as she runs her fingers down her arm across the sores. Maddi picks up the glass and presses it against her skin. She is about to cut when suddenly there’s a knock at her door.

Mom: “Maddi? Maddi sweetie, are you awake?” Steps inside the room, “Oh my God, Maddi! What are you doing?”

Maddi pulls her sleeve down and shoves the glass in her pocket

Maddi: “Nothing Mom, just trying to put on some make-up in the broken mirror Nathan keeps promising to replace.”

Mom: “3 years I’ve been married to this man and you still can’t call him ‘dad’ or ‘pa’? He’s the only father figure you’ve had honey, the least you could do is try to accept him”

Maddi: “Maybe if he actually acted like a father instead of drinking all the time and coming home just to…nevermind”

Mom: “To do what? Maddi talk to me, if something is wrong you can tell me!”

Maddi: “Nothing! Just forget it!”

Mom: “Why do you always shut me out of your life? I’m your mother, I’m here for you. Both Nathan and I are always here for you”

Maddi: “That’s the problem, you’re BOTH always here for me”

Nathan enters

Nathan: “Knock, knock! What are my two pretty ladies talking about?”

Maddi: “See what I mean? When there’s one, the other’s bound to be right along!”

Mom: Maddi! Have some respect young lady! Hi honey, how was work”

Nathan: “Work was fine. Is everything alright here?”

Maddi: “It was until you got here”

Mom: “Maddi! Nathan, Maddi’s been cutting again”

Maddi sits on her bad facing away from her Mom and Nathan, pulls the piece of glass out of her pocket and absently plays with it.

Nathan: “Why don’t you go get dinner started, I’ll talk with her”

Mom: “No offense Nathan but I don’t think that’s such a good idea…”

Nathan: “Just trust me”

Mom exits. Nathan roughly grabs Maddi’s shoulder and spins her around to face him.

Nathan: “You didn’t tell her anything about us did you?”

Maddi: “No”

Nathan: Pets Maddi’s hair and pats her cheek“That’s a good girl”

Maddi: “Leave me alone!”

Nathan: Laughs “You always have been a fighter. That’s alright, I’ll always be able to get you. Your mother is far too blind to ever see the pain in her own daughter's eyes regardless of the marks all over your arms. Even if you were to tell her the truth, she wouldn’t believe you. I’ll see you tonight” winks and exits

Maddi: “**** you!”

Maddi throws a stuffed animal after him then breaks down into tears.

Maddi (recording): Actors act out the scene on stage as the recording plays “Every night it’s the same routine. I lay here in my bed with my eyes shut pretending to sleep as I wait for him to come. Mom’s been long asleep because she works early in the morning. I hear him stumble in the front door mumbling and cursing in a drunken state. He fumbles up the stairs spewing out incoherent phrases or singing off key to some drinking song he picked up on at the bar. Everyone wakes up to his wailings except for Mom because she takes pills to fall asleep which keep her out for 8hrs regardless of what’s going on. Soon enough he finds his way to my bedroom door. In the beginning I would hide under the covers like a turtle in its shell but now I just lay there…waiting. I tried running away once, but he found me and beat me. I had to tell Mom that I fell down the stairs at school to stop her from asking questions. I told the same story to the principal at school, and the school’s councilor, and all my teachers, and my friends, though I’m pretty sure Asha, my best friend, knew I was lying. I can smell the liquor on him long before I can see him. He rips the covers off, climbs on top of me and…” End of recording.

Maddi (live): “No!”

Nathan freezes in tableaux but Maddi doesn’t.

Maddi: “Not tonight! He will not get me this time! He’ll never find me! How could he find me, if there’s no one to find?”

Maddi opens a drawer and pulls out a bottle of pills. She pours some into her hand then looks at herself in the broken mirror.

Maddi: “Don’t worry about replacing the mirror Nathan. I won’t be needing it anymore”

Maddi sits back down on the edge of her bed then freezes in tableaux when she pops the pills into her mouth. Lights down.

[Cassiepeia]

Fantastic! You're a great writer. I like that you don't let the audience know exactly what's going on until the last half.

Honestly there are only two things I can comment on...
First is the line “Maybe if he actually acted like a father instead of drinking all the time and coming home just to…nevermind”

I think, since what she's going through is so horrific, she should be more shocked by her mother asking her to call him dad or pa. When I read it I'm wondering why she bothers say 'maybe' at all. Perhaps I was expecting more "fire" from her...ummm...how can I explain? Like I expected her to really spit that ".....least you could do is try and accept him" bit back in her mothers face.

Second is “You always have been a fighter. That’s alright, I’ll always be able to get you. Your mother is far too blind to ever see the pain in her own daughter's eyes regardless of the marks all over your arms. Even if you were to tell her the truth, she wouldn’t believe you. I’ll see you tonight”

I know this is a play and there is a lot more dialog in a play than a film, but I keep feeling that there is too much said here. I think it's already obvious to the audience that the mother is oblivious, despite the fact her daughter is cutting herself. So that doesnt' need to be said, and it would be more frightening if, after making sure she hasn't said anything, he simply tells her he'll 'see her tonight'. Which of course then makes the audience curious and Maddi goes on to explain exactly what happens.

Hope that all made sense. You really are a good writer though. I wouldn't be surprised if the theatre picked this up for their festival. Nice job!!

Cass.

[calgal]

I'd love to see this in action. Your a terrific writer. Maybe you should pursue this talent. Two thumbs up to you!

[oc_spirit]

Cassi, I really like your suggestions! Thanks!!! I'll play witht he script some more tonight implementing your ideas!

Calgal, thanks! and hey, they usually video all the plays LOL

[Cassiepeia]

Cool, they video them? Oh..well..if your play gets picked up, PLEASE if it's at all possible to get it online...post the link. I'd love to see it too.

Cass.

[oc_spirit]

Dunno if I'll be able to get it online, but I'll see what I can do!

BTW I just posted version 4.0